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Love or Need for Security?

By Robert Elias Najemy, Copyright 2004

Our Love is Mixed With Need

Our "love" is still mixed with a considerable amount of "need". Love wants to give. Need wants to take. Sometimes what we are seeking to take is very subtle and requires deep inner inquiry.

Whenever we feel pain, fear or anger in our relationships, it is because we believe that our needs are in "danger" of not being satisfied. When this happens, our "love" turns to hurt, disappointment, fear, loneliness, inferiority, or bitterness, and sometimes, anger, hate, rage and desire for revenge.

How can love become all these negative emotions? It cannot. The simple truth is that our emotion never was pure love to begin with. It was an "attraction" based to some degree also on need.

This does not mean that we should reject ourselves because we have seldom really loved purely. As we are not yet enlightened spiritual beings, how could we? It would be like rejecting ourselves because we do not yet have a university diploma when we are still in the first grade or because we are a flower bud, which has not yet blossomed. It is only natural that we cannot yet love unconditionally. This is our stage of evolution.

Freeing our Love from Need

The first step towards opening our hearts to real love is to accept and love ourselves exactly as we are with all our weaknesses and faults. Only then can we proceed effectively.

The second step is to begin observing the feelings that are stimulated in our transpersonal. Through objective self-observation, we can determine in which situations we love unconditionally and in which we are feeling "loving" with specific conditions. Following are some examples that will help.

Needing Those Who Make Us Feel Secure

We look to others for security. We might seek security from our parents, spouses, siblings, children, employers, friends, ministers, spiritual teachers or others.

We do feel love toward these beings, but often that love is based on the fact that they offer us a sense of security. If they start behaving in ways that obstruct our feelings of security or if they decide to leave or ignore us, will we still love them?

If our employer fires us, will we still love him or her? If our parents throw us out onto the street, will we still love them? Or is our love tightly woven with the need for security?

If as parents we dream that our children will become economically well off and socially accepted professionals, will we love them the same if they become street artists, beggars or anarchists? Some parents will be able to; others will not.

The basic question is whether or not our feelings of love are steady and consistent regardless of the various changing behaviors of those we "love". In each case where we perceive our heart closing, we need to discover what we fear in that situation. What might we believe is in danger? Most frequently we lose our love when we fear that our security, self-worth, freedom or pleasure are in danger.

Only when we have realized total inner security, perhaps based on an inner spiritual awakening or on our faith in the Divine, will we be able to love without security attachments.

Only when we know that we can live without others can we really love them steadily.

Society has caused us to completely confuse this matter. We believe that if we love others, then we must be totally dependent on them and should fear that our world would fall apart if something happens to them. This is insecurity.

This is a lack of awareness of our inner spiritual nature and our ability to deal with life. It has nothing to do with love.

Perhaps this is why the Apostle John wrote, "Where there is perfect love, there can be no fear".

Be sure to look for the remaining the parts of this series:

  1. What is Love?
  2. Love or Need for Security?
  3. Love, Pleasure or Affirmation?
  4. Selfless Love
  5. Spiritual Universal Love
  6. Loving the Wave or the Ocean


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 Life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Info at: He is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony. Download FREE 100's of articles, find wonderful ebooks, guidance and teleclasses at His books The Psychology of Happiness and Remove Pain with Energy Psychology are available at

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The order of Wedding Speeches at the Wedding Reception
Master of ceremony is one of the busiest person in the Wedding Planning process. It will be much easier with these tips for MC to plan the wedding speeches at the wedding reception.

Why Aren't We Happy In Our Marriage Relationships?
Find out why you are not happy with your relationship. Is it yours or her fault? Is she the one soul mate for your life or is she not? Perfect your relationship with the tips from this article. You will find your perfect soul mate.

Ten Hot Tips to Light Your Woman's Fire
Tips to drive your woman crazy and she will never forget it. Satisfy your woman with our ten hot tips which include how to kiss, touch, connect emotionally, foreplay, after play, etc.

Be Prepared With A Bride's Emergency Kit
Are you ready for the wedding? Remember: things get wrong when they are least expected! Get ready with the bride's emergency kit - make sure your most important event will not be ruined!

Happiness - the Ultimate Egoism?
Is happiness made by romance, egoism, success, wealth or flexibility? Happiness is a moving target: as things and circumstances change in our lives, happiness becomes defined differently. If one goal turns out to be unachievable, most of us have the suppleness to redefine our desire and go for the newly formulated goal.

Family Matters!
Having relationships is all about making emotional commitments to people we care about. One of the ways to find your happiness involves having a healthy family, friends, partners, etc. Appreciate the people who have touched our lives in positive ways. Studies have shown that those who are truly happiest are those with strong connections to the people they love.


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