Are you the American male looking for the Russian wife?

If you are reading this at least you have some curiosity about Russian women. I also am seeking a Russian wife, I have been there, and made most of the common mistakes we American males make, yet I have learned from these mistakes, so this adventure I consider to be a success. Anytime a person learns something then it should not be considered a failure, even though the ultimate goal may not be achieved. I am writing this solely to distribute the knowledge I have learned, in the hope others do not make my mistakes. If all that you are looking for is a woman to have sexual relations with, read no farther, that is NOT what I will help you with, this process is costly, so, you would be better off to go to the Mustang Ranch, in Sparks, Nevada, and hire a woman.

1. No. 1 biggest mistake, things are the same with Russian women. There are very few similarities between the Russian women and western women, American women to be specific. The Russian women think and act considerably different from what we are accustomed to. It is beneficial to forget everything you think you know about women, no man can know how a woman thinks, Russian women are no exception to this. But, since you are not Russian, and not subject to the cultural and socio-economic conditions of Russia, it would be beneficial to start fresh.

2. Whatever a dating agency tells or publishes to you, forget, with one exception, I will get into that later, when we get to the 'do' section. You should know that the dating or marriage agencies in general make less money when their clients are married, than they do when the clients are single and actively pursuing a mate, now, the object of business is to maximize profits, most of these how to articles can be slanted to benefit the agency, whether they consciously do it or not. The only exception that I have found is Elena Petrova's site www.womenrussia.com, I only found a few things that I don't fully agree with there, and as this is not an exact science, they may be correct, given situation and circumstance. Overall, I have found Elena's site to be the most concise and accurate on the web, as I understand it, she originally started it as a hobby, because she was happy in her marriage to a western man, and was originally a help site, it is so popular that it has become a business for her, having gotten too many requests for assistance from western men, which was not her original goal, life is not predictable. Elena has developed services that appear to me to be of good value, and effective. I didn't always think this, but after going to Russia, and experiencing their way of life, well, who would know better how to succeed with Russian women, than a Russian woman? Things are different there.

3. Once you do find Russian women, and arrange meetings, don't fail to show, if you do, I can take your woman! It would surprise you the high percentage of these women that are stood up. Practically every day I noticed at least one Russian woman whose date stood her up, the signs are obvious, no, there is no crying or stuff like that, these are strong willed women, after she is convinced there is no possibility of you coming, she will stand up, pick up her bag and leave. Simple as that, but I'll bet your chance of getting back with her will be about the same as a snowballs chance in hell. Often these women come from great distance, using public transportation; they are nice girls, with good intentions generally. THEY DO NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT!!! If I am there and you stand up your date, guess who will be at the front door with a red rose for her when she comes out? I'll make sure she never talks to you again, even if I don't want her!!! This is the day of modern communication, if you can't make it, find a way to communicate. But the worse thing you can do to yourself as well as all of us, is to get a reputation as a cad, the Russian women have a communication grapevine that is unbelievable, I've seen it work, but still don't know how they do it. Word will get around!!! If the word is about you, then it is better positive than negative. You can make a safe bet that the word was out on me before I left Moscow, I can assure you it was very positive.

4. Don't think that just because you have a US passport, all the Russian women will be falling at your feet, just thru the virtue of your citizenship. In most cases your foreign citizenship is exactly what they do not want. A Russian woman WANTS to live in Russia, in most cases she will not want to leave. She will leave, but not because of your citizenship. She is Russian, she is proud of that fact! She is a citizen of the largest country in the world. She only knows as much about our world as her friends have written back and told her, or she has gotten through their grapevine. She will have absolutely no concept of our way of life, and what little she does know is probably tainted, but she will think she knows as much as you do about our lifestyle. Don't question this, just let it ride, otherwise you will be opening a can of worms. You see, she learned about our world from other Russians, and you are not a Russian. I never met any Russian who did not have a severe inferiority complex. In their mind anyone or anything that is not Russian is stupid, cheap, and of poor quality, once again, let it ride. If you find your wife in Russia, she will learn about the west soon enough, then she will experience what is known as 'cultural shock', after that she will not be able to go back and live with what she was satisfied with before. But, she will still be Russian. Why would she want you? In my research I found only one universal answer, she must feel that it is her destiny, that she loves and is loved, that is the most important thing possible in her life, she will follow it anywhere. That is overwhelmingly the answer I got to the question; What would persuade you to live outside of Russia? I am often told women look for financial security, or maturity, but that was never the answer to my question, so, I would consider that to be a secondary issue, though, not being an exact science, anything can be considered a possibility.

5. Don't think that you know all about Russia, or Russian women, I don't, I have spent time there, and you certainly haven't. All I know is what I have seen or been told, which they will freely answer most anything they are asked. Bottom line is you know exactly as much about them and their country as they know about you and yours, which is close to nothing.

6. Don't try to prove you are faithful by selecting one woman, and sticking to it. She probably won't understand. Yes, she would dearly love to have a faithful husband, it is an almost impossible dream for her, but you are not her husband, or even her boyfriend as of yet. You are her pen pal! Boris and Ivan will not be faithful at all, so, even if you marry her, faithfulness on your part is something she will have difficulty coming to grips with, she will probably not believe it. To find her destiny along with a faithful husband, is nearly impossible for her. Not only that, but none of the other Russian women will be able to understand why you would be so stupid as to wait for her, before you have ever met her, and they are available!

7. Don't eliminate any possible candidate for the sole reason that she only speaks Russian. Often she will be a better choice than the 'modern' woman. Language will not be a barrier that you can't overcome. I have found that the ability to speak English, possibly other 'foreign' language, can be a status symbol, leading to an overemphasized feeling of self importance. This is not to say that you should eliminate those who do speak your language, but, I have had equally enjoyable experiences with both. Remember this destiny thing, if she feels that you may be her destiny, you WILL communicate, it might be difficult, everything is difficult in Russia, which is just normal life for her, but it is possible.

8. Don't 'spoil' her, she is not accustomed to it and may take it for weakness. You must realize that she can make it in Russia perfectly well on her own, she has been doing so all her life. So, if she would like to have clothes, car, jewelry, stereo, phone, TV, etc. but doesn't have 'some' money, tell her that she is not your wife, and she will need to get her money herself or do without. This she can respect and understand. If she can't then you have yourself a bona fide gold digger. Dump her immediately!!! After all, would you give any American girl who wrote you letters or e-mailed you money to buy things, without ever meeting her? I didn't think so, you are smarter than that. I thought I was too, but still took very good care of my pen pal, initially insisting she take money for specific purposes. You will be OK to send her $10 or $20 a month for e-mail fees, or postage, not more, IF she will take it. She would appreciate that, e-mail costs anywhere from $.50 to about $4.00 in Moscow, depending on how long the message is, how proficient she is with either writing English, or transcribing a translated message to her e-mail format, and the day of the week, as well as the time of day she goes to the internet café, in all probability she will not have a computer, I never found one that did. Some will say they do, but I think that probably goes back to soviet times. What she is probably meaning is that she has an account at mail.ru, and goes to the internet café. Other places may cost more, probably less for internet cafe fees, I am basing the cost, on the cost of what the Russians call 'Moscow the expensive', other places where internet cafes are available probably cost less. I was talking to a couple of girls one day, I was amazed that one had a guy in New York who never sent her any money for e-mail, she told me that she would send him e-mail every week or two as she had 'some' money for e-mail, that she liked him and would get by trying to pay for it herself. I told her about the 'spoiled' one that I had, telling her that I sent $100 every month for e-mail, she thought the 'spoiled' one was very lucky. She would have been just as appreciative to get $5 as the 'spoiled' one was with $100.

9. Don't try to impress her with a high priced hotel, most agencies love for you to take their suggestion of a high priced accommodation that is one of the ways they make their money. You remember I told you of her quest for her destiny? If she loves and is loved, accommodations will make no difference to her, she will love you in a shack just as much as she will in a mansion, the reverse of which may not be too informative to you. I asked a number of Russian women about this accommodation matter, practically all of them told me that all they want is to love and be loved, where, made absolutely no difference to them, accommodation is not her goal. I'm not saying to meet her in a rat hole or flea bag, but any average or decent place will work as well as the best hotel, or apartment in town. If she loves and is loved that is all she will be interested in. If she is digging for gold, well, that is a whole different story. You must realize, you don't know this woman, you might think you do, but really you don't, you have never laid eyes on her. So, testing her is appropriate, and to your benefit.  

10. Don't send her any pictures other than yourself, or possibly a favorite pet. Yes, she is probably curious about the conditions you live under, but she is more interested in you. Don't go taking pictures of your car, your house, or Wal-Mart either, she probably doesn't have such things, they tend to use subways, apartments, and small shops, her inferiority complex will kick in, and once again you will offend her. I had one girl tell me that an American wrote her, telling her that in the US we have makeup, if she moved here, she could have lipstick. She thought he was a pure idiot and was very offended, they have plenty of war paint in Russia, and know how to use it. Take your cues from the pictures she sends you, she will probably start out very conservatively, and as she decides she likes you a little better she might send some a little more revealing. Don't expect to get the nude ones, possibly one in a swim suit, but not more. Take her cue in this matter, never send her a nude photo unless she sends you one first, which I doubt will happen, you will not favorably impress her, it doesn't matter what you look like naked, she will probably be offended.

11. Don't bring up ANY subject of a sexual nature. This is an issue that will quickly offend her. If she wants to bring up the subject, she will. It is not in her nature to want strangers to ask her of such things. It is not that she is a prude, it is just something that is not discussed in polite conversation. If she likes you when she meets you, I guarantee you will be convinced she is no prude, after you get your breath back.

12. Now, let's have a few 'do's'. Do prepare to make several trips to Russia, or spend a few months there. At times, some are lucky and find the right woman in one trip, but do you really want to marry a woman you have only seen for a couple of days? I don't think so. To be realistic, figure to spend at least $10,000 on this venture, in all probability considerably more. But, can you really put a dollar figure on the right wife? I know I wouldn't be able to. I would say the minimum you should be prepared for is 3 trips of at least 1 week each. Writing and e-mail is fine, but nothing replaces personal contact, which is costly as well as time consuming.

13. I earlier mentioned in paragraph 2 that there is one bit of truth in the info you get from practically every dating agency. That is to make multiple contacts. The reason for this is that she would not understand why you want only her, she will think there is possibly something wrong with you, that you can not attract women, so why would she want you? She is VERY insecure, she will be attracted by a man who attracts other women. Another good reason is she is prepared to be competitive, that woman will fight for her destiny, it has always been her dream to love and be loved. Russian women are tough survivors, they will pursue their dreams, in their own way, just don't try too hard to understand their ways. Most women get jealous of the fact that another woman might have the attention of 'their' man, Russian women are no exception, probably even more so, this can be a useful tool, use it to your advantage. It is a nice feeling to have women competing for your attention. I fully agree with my friend, Richard Welch, the best way to attract a sufficient quantity of possible candidates for your meetings is to publish your own profile, then let them write you. I feel that this method eliminates the deadwood. Every letter or e-mail that you get will be a woman who took the time and expense to contact you, which is not the small sacrifice for them as it is for us. There are many websites that have this service, personally I have been looking at Elena Petrova's website, there is a start up package she has that sends your profile to 372 agencies in the Russian republic, now if you only get 2 inquiries from each agency on the average, that would give you a possibility of 590 women who wish to at least correspond, probably much more, of course your job will be to whittle this figure down to that very special 1. The reason that I prefer this specific package is that is requires the women to physically go to an agency, and go thru profiles, picking the ones she likes, rather than go to the internet café, find your profile and just e-mail you. She is putting more effort and expense into her search, so, she will be a little more serious about her quest. You can find Elena's site at www.womenrussia.com then click on services & prices to get into this service, also there is much useful information and links on this site. In case you wonder, I never found or heard of the stigma attached to anyone going to a dating service in Russia that is experienced in the states; they view it as a normal thing.

14. Next, once that you start getting correspondence from these ladies, at bare minimum respond with a thanks, but no thanks, to the ones you don't care for, but be prepared to respond in some fashion. The ones you really like, you can correspond to stating your intention to meet Russian women within 6 months or less, that you would like to possibly meet her for a day, and that the ultimate purpose is the possibility of matrimony, tell her a little about yourself and what you expect. Don't give her your life history, about 1 page will do. Elena Petrova can translate a letter for you that you can use for all these women, just change the woman's name, it will be in Russian, so that your Russian women can fully understand it, and will be able to completely read it, you can find Elena's, web address elsewhere in this article. The maybes, you could tell them that you are already involved, but if it didn't work out you will contact her later. But you need to reply to every one, you are the one advertising yourself, she is just answering your advertisement. You know how you would feel to send her a letter or e-mail and not get a reply. You may really like one, and unknowingly to you, her best friend also wrote you, and you didn't reply, well, word gets around, I think you can figure it out.

15. Her location is not of primary importance, often one from rural areas will be a better choice than from Moscow, or St. Pete, which are very westernized. You may find your diamond in a coal pile, the question is which coal pile? We do not know.

16. Consider age in your selection, yes, you can find very young women, I am 49 and was picking up girls who were 18, maybe younger, in Moscow, would it last? I doubt it, they were just out on a lark and not really serious about anything except having fun, I was doing the same thing. It would be better to choose 5, 10, 15, or even as far as 20 years younger, remember the farther the age difference is, the lower the chance of survival is to the relationship. You should have no problem with a woman 15 years younger, if you can keep up with her, possibly even 20, but be advised that this is probably the limit, and might be stretching it some. It is erroneous to believe she will seek a much older man, she will accept one, but only if she feels it will fulfill her destiny.

17. Be very specific in what you are looking for, make your choices wisely, (don't pay much attention to the poses or quality of the photographs, Russians use some really strange techniques for this) then write these women that interest you, maybe as many as 20 of them, some guys like more, some less, if you will be in Russia for a week and a half or so, figure that half to 2/3 will drop out by the time you get there, probably more, and you want an afternoon and night with each minimum. OK, so you are not comfortable meeting so many women in such short time, remember, the more you physically meet one on one, the better the mathematical odds are that you find the one you can't do without. Now, don't forget, if too many drop out you still might be able to retrieve some of the maybes. You can even send them a little money monthly, if you wish, via Western Union, $10 is sufficient, and no more than $20 each, or you can wait for some to drop out first. Make your own decision. But at some point you should help some of them with their e-mail/postage expenses. Remember that the more difficulty she is willing to go thru to keep it touch, the more serious her intentions are, but you should also take into consideration not to give her a burden too heavy to bear. Ask questions, she will probably answer most, at least what she understands, just nothing of a sexual nature, they are generally very accommodating, if you just ask. Somewhere about this time you should learn a foreign language if you don't know one, preferably Russian, it is a complicated and exact language, difficult to learn, but still it is possible, Berlitz has several different courses, or you may find something that works better for you, check out the websites, most offer something. As for me, I fluently speak a dialect of German, as we know the Russians had forces in East Germany, many with families, I found it easier many times to speak German, than English. At any rate, if you speak German and English you will have no problem communicating, or if you speak Russian. I even heard French being used, but no Spanish which I also speak some of.

18. Within 6 months arrange to be in Russia, you should book 1 double room for yourself, and 1 single or guest room at an average hotel, preferably both rooms adjoining or very close to each other. Even if all the women express their wish to stay with you, in your room, which I doubt they will, as they don't know you, get both rooms, as most hotels are funny about that, she will need that other key or key card, in case she needs to prove that she is legitimately staying there. In all probability the doorman will check her, in the evening or night, but not you, normally. Check in both rooms in your own name, so that you can continue to use the key for each woman, and if things go crazy you will be able to send her on her way, and then look for something else to play with. This is where my friend Richard Welch and I disagree, he prefers to meet her in her own element, I prefer neutral ground, there are some advantages to his school of thought that I respect, it is less costly initially, and you would get to know her better, but, what if she is not what you expected? It also is very limiting as to your choices. I strongly suggest that you meet multiple women on neutral ground initially, and then once you have physically met her, and want to know her better, it is perfectly fine to make another trip to visit her in her own element, or extend your visit for this purpose.

19. Decide where in Russia you want to meet these women. Remember, you are investing considerable effort, time, and money into this venture, in all probability, YOU will be carrying the burden of the load, make sure that it is understood from the beginning that she will need to travel to meet you, offer her train fare to do so, to be reimbursed upon her arrival. It makes perfect sense that if she is not willing to do this, why would she be willing to go anywhere for you? She will need to put some effort into this relationship, too. You will spend in a couple of weeks, probably as much as she earns in 3 to 4 years.

20. Realize your trip will cost you at least $18.25 per hour, whether awake, sleeping eating or whatever, that is the current costs involved for a moderate 10 day stay divided by 240 hours, shorter stays increase the cost per hour, longer decrease it. But you can put a per hour cost on this. As such you may want to do a background check on these girls. I have found a website for this also, www,allrussian.com , it won't take long to save lots of money if the report comes back bad. It is a good investment, but nothing is wrong with your situation is it? Right! Believe it! But don't come back to me if USCIS (former INS) denies your K-1, because you didn't do your homework. I talked to a woman who knew two Russian women that were in the process of trying to find an American to marry, and come to the US. These two women had already been here, didn't like their fiancés and left them. Well, when their K-1's expired, that made them an illegal alien, a crime in the US, eventually they were deported back to Russia. They didn't know that they were no longer eligible for a visa. They were back out there trying to find another couple of men to marry and take them to the states. What if one of those men is you? 

21. A few weeks prior to going to Russia arrange a schedule to meet each of these women, remember check out is normally noon, so, try to meet them in the afternoon, as to eliminate a conflict with the one from the day before.

22. Keep this schedule, I explained this earlier. You should at least give each woman a red rose. They really like red roses, they must be red, never give an even number, you would be better with 1 than 6 or 12, they are sold in any quantity you wish, there is no set quantity like in the states, current Moscow price is 100 rubles each, about $3.03. It must be a rose, it must be red and the quantity must be an odd number. I had considerable success one day picking up women in a Metro station that had a flower shop, I would buy a single red rose, and then, when I saw a woman that I liked I would give it to her, this worked well for me. Red roses are sort of a magical thing with Russian women, they really like guys who give them.

23. Take your good manners with you. Boris and Ivan would rather slam a door in a woman's face than hold it for her, you will find success in being gentlemanly. It really stuns these women, they never expect to have a man open the door, seat them at a restaurant, or stand back for her to get in the elevator first. But, she loves it, it is like a fairy tale princess story for her. Speak quietly in public places, she will consider it bad to make public your conversation, and nobody else is interested in it anyhow. Remember, you are there to impress her, not Boris and Ivan. Don't think that good manners will not work for you, it worked for me, not as well as the roses, but I did have one take my arm after I opened the door for her to come into the hotel. That has something to do with the way they tell you they like you, they will either take your arm or hand. After that the fun begins.

24. Each woman that comes to meet you should have her train fare reimbursed immediately upon her arrival, I asked several women about this, they normally don't have the extra money to pay for this. They will find it, borrow it from a friend, or otherwise come up with it, but it must be paid back. You are inviting her to meet you, so, it is your responsibility to take care of her travel expense. Remember this when you decide where you wish to meet them, it doesn't hurt to have them go out of their way to come meet you, and might even help you with your process of elimination, the serious ones will be there.

25. All the keepers, make sure you arrange to keep contact with, the others, that you don't really care for, let them go, keep things moving along, don't drag out a bad relationship, it is of no advantage to either of you, she will understand this, and probably prefer it, as her time is valuable to her, also. When you are finished with your meetings come home, or you may wish to extend your trip to spend a week with your favorite, in her own element, if you have the time.

26. If you do decide on one and wish to spend some time with her, it is good advice to take her 9 or 11 red roses, as well as some nice gifts you have brought with you, when you go to visit, they need not be expensive, just nice, not junk.

27. Depending on the number remaining and how you feel about each other, you may now wish to choose a wife, or look into other options.

28. If you choose a wife I would suggest that you arrange in the near future to go spend a week or two with just her, as soon as possible, this can now be done in her own element, unless you already have been able to do this, and would probably be better, if you both feel that you are right for each other, go for it, with my blessing! You should come back again to help walk her thru the immigration process, it is not necessary, but, you won't want to be away from her, and it is a good excuse.

29. Otherwise, you could keep refining your search, and if you have learned by your mistakes and successes you will have plenty of tools to continue.

This is, I mentioned several times before, not an exact science, practically anything can and probably will happen. There are few hard and fast rules. There are too many variables for anybody to accurately predict. Russian women are beautiful, sensitive, intelligent, insecure, and can be offended by things we least expect. They place great importance in love, security, and family. This is merely knowledge I have personally acquired thru personal experience, observations, and asking many questions of Russian women in Moscow. For some everything may work like a charm, for others nothing may work. You should remember, this is a strange and unusual thing for most people to do, it requires great patience and understanding for all parties involved, and you should make your perspective wife work for you, because you will have to work for her, unless you have all the time and money in the world. On the other hand, don't forget she is from an environment where life is difficult, the time and money will come to her at great personal sacrifice, so don't make your relationship so tough that she just can't afford it. If you do pursue this quest, you will be entering into a realm where few men go, if you make it to Russia, you will become a member of a very elite group, as surprisingly few men make it that far. But, your potential rewards are great, I never saw a single Russian woman of child bearing years who wasn't absolutely gorgeous, their average woman will put our top supermodels to shame. Needless to say, but, I was like a kid in a candy store, you probably will be too!!!

Russian women are the Cold Wars best kept secret, I can understand why!!

Will I go back? You're darn tootin' I will!!!

Will I follow my own advice? Hopefully so, probably not, as I am one of those hopelessly romantic types, who lives by faith in my fellow man! Yeah, I know that is stupid!

Happy hunting!!!!

Richard A. Blackwood
Copyright © 2002

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