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The Key to a Great Relationship


By Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach


We all want great relationships but they seem so elusive. What can you to strengthen yours? The key is communication, but try taking it up a notch. Communicate at all levels with your partner - emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

Make time for communication with your partner, and remember that the greatest gift you can give someone else is to listen to them. Here are some tips for listening with love.


GIVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

This means look at your partner, quiet background noise, and rid your mind of distractions. Don't be thinking about your day, or thinking about what you're going to say - next, or ever. Just still your mind, and make it receptive for taking in what the other person has to say.


ASK ABOUT FEELINGS

Ask you partner how they're feeling, but include all levels - emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. This will help them get in touch with their center, and will also bring you closer to know how they're feeling in all areas.


INDICATE WITH NONVERBAL EXPRESSIONS THAT YOU ARE GENUINELY INTERESTED

In doing this, you will generate interest. It's not always easy to listen to what your partner has to say. You may have heard this, or another version, many times before. Often we have recurring things at work, for instance, that we need to talk about. Maintain active eye contact, add "uh huh" or "really?" or "oh my" from time-to-time, and try your best to keep still. Fidgeting may not mean you're not interested, but it may be taken that way.

Learn to express love and concern on your face. It's very important. This is natural when you look at your baby, for instance. Your heart melts … your eyes soften … you can't help a big smile. Give this gift to your partner. Show that you love them. It's in the eyes, first and foremost.

It's also nice to add, "I love you," or "I enjoy listening to you talk." These reassurances are loving, and can't be overused.


MAKE IT YOUR PARTNER'S TIME TO TALK

It's better if you can take turns. This will allow your partner the time to talk it out completely, without you feeling the pressure to get on to your turn, and your concerns. In a good relationship, you can be sure your turn will come.


DO "TALK STORY"

This is a Polynesian term for a special kind of communication between two lovers. It means the couple sets aside a special time and one partner just talks and talks until they are through. It can go on for quite a long time. The other person just listens. This is harder than it may sound at first, but you can develop the habit, and it will greatly enrich your relationship.

It's similar to "free associating," because the speaker can count on not being corrected, judged, interrupted, or even really commented upon. This is amazingly freeing, healing, and amazingly hard to come by. It allows the speaker to get to the heart of the matter, and his or her feelings, and learn all sorts of things.


MANAGE TIME

Time is a crucial element to loving communication. We are under so much time pressure these days, our serious conversations can be squeezed in between changing diapers, taking out the garbage, and getting the dinner dishes done. We often feel rushed to hurry up and say what we have to say, and we listen the same way, unconsciously sending out the vibes that we hope our partner will just hurry up and get it said because we have to catch our favorite television show, or get to sleep because we have a big meeting in the morning.

The other person can sense when we're listening this way, and it defeats the purpose of Talk Story.

A good way to do this is lying side-by-side, on the bed, a hammock, a blanket under the stars, a sailboat! It is "just" talking and one of the most healing things a person can do. The other person just listens, without making comments or judgments.


LEARN TO LOVE THE SILENCES

Between two people who are intimate, silence can be a very special place. They are often the prelude to very important sharing.

For one thing, it is rarely tolerated in casual conversation, so it is special just in itself. Being able to sit with the silence of your partner will allow them to look more deeply within, and bring up what it is they need to talk about. Don't rush them by feeling the need to "fill air time." Allowing empty space is a great gift you can give one another. Give them permission to take their time, and to fill the silence when and if they're ready.

Good communication between two partners involves talking and listening. A lot more has been written on the art of talking. Remember that the listening, and the silences, are equally important.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: ©Susan Dunn, MA Psychology, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Susan is the author of "Do You Hear What I Hear," http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html , and other EQ ebooks. She offers individual and executive coaching, and internet courses. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine.


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