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Defusing Family Anger:
3 Keys to Reducing Conflict

Dr. Tony Fiore

Esther, 55, and Jim, 71 are successful professionals who married five years ago. Unfortunately, conflicts have escalated between Esther and Jim's adult children. Things reached the point that Ester was no longer welcome at holiday family gatherings, and Jim couldn't invite his children on his prized yacht-club cruises without suffering accusations of betrayal and lack of loyalty by one side or the other.

Jim is a mild-mannered retired real estate broker who unfortunately suffered from a recent diagnosis of cancer. As a result, like many ill people, he just wanted peace in his remaining years, a goal that was increasingly eluding him as family members escalated their conflict with each other.

What's going on here?

This family was clearly suffering from a lack of empathy. Empathy requires understanding the perspective of others and being able to see things from the values and belief systems of other family members.

However, Esther was unable to comprehend and accept that she was putting Jim in an impossible position of constantly having to choose between his love for her and his love for his adult children.

The children, on the other hand, saw Esther as a young 'gold-digger' who was ultimately going to take what they considered their inheritance. They were unable to see that Esther truly loved her older husband or that Jim had a basic right to do with his money as he wished including spending it in ways they might consider foolish.

What Lack of Empathy Means

Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families. It is a sign that family members are only thinking of themselves and are only concerned with their own ideas and feelings 'not others.' Relatives lacking empathy push only their own issues while not seeing or caring about the needs of others.

While lack of empathy can lead to years of family conflict, arguing and bickering, the good news is that you can increase your empathy by practicing the following three basic skills:

Keys to Developing Empathy

Key #1. Learn to listen. Empathic listening goes further than ordinary listening. It is listening while you suspend your normal 'filters' that distort what you hear. It is listening without judgment understanding, rather than defending or attacking.

The first step was for Esther and her husband's children to sit down and 'hear each other out' in the presence of a trusted family friend who served as a mediator. While they were still at odds with each other at this point, at least they had made a start in better understanding.

Key #2. Eliminate barriers to effectible communication. This involves becoming mindful of the message conveyed by the phrases you use as well as your tone of voice, facial expressions, and your posture or stance.

Esther, for example, frequently 'chopped the air' with her hands when discussing things with family members which instantly put the relatives on the defensive and made them not trust her.

The children's communications style made Esther dig her heels in deeper when they browbeat her with phrases like 'if you don't like it, then...' and they rarely made eye contact with her. A simple way to improve remove barriers is to picture yourself on a video cam hanging form a corner of the room. Ask yourself, what am I communicating as seen or heard on the video cam?

Key #3. Practice Acceptance. Acceptance is the ability to see that others have a right to their feelings and viewpoints. The first step to acceptance is when you learn to accept an 'unchangeable reality' by changing your feelings about it.

For example; "Maybe Esther does have a financial interest in Father, but she takes good care of him, and they love each other who am I to say that the 'trade-off' isn't appropriate?"

As you develop empathy, you will find it increasingly difficult to remain angry.



Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter 'Taming The Anger Bee' at and receive two bonus reports.

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TOP STORY: THE GOLDEN RULE AND OTHER BALDERDASH - A Compendium of Comportment for Courting an Angel - a VERY funny, non-conventional, serendipitous guide to meeting, dating and courting Russian women - this will have you laughing out loud and provide you with some invaluable advice you should never follow. By famous Dawk Ziti, PhD: 

"Do your ex-girlfriend and her cackling pals resemble the witches on Walpurgis Night? Are you tired of having to kiss someone's plump rump all day only to find, to your chagrin, that her bedroom door has a sturdy deadbolt and she sleeps like a lamb? Throw away your handcuffs and listen to one who knows..."

How To Write A Romantic Love Letter - By Renee Michaels. Does the thought of writing a love letter or poem automatically reduce your vocabulary to a 5-year-old's level? To impress your new Russian bride or your partner to fall in love with you, don't afraid to use the suggestions from Renee Michaels. You won't regret it.

Symbolism Of Wedding Rings - By Peter Breslin. Have you ever wonder about the history, the meaning and the symbolism of wedding rings? Now you can find out in details...

Marriage Proposals -- Why Doing It Right Will Make All the Difference - By Susan Daniel and Debbie Overstreet. Proposing marriage to your Russian Woman is a very big step. You get the ring, but then you don't know when, where, or how to actually pop the question and to be memorable at the same time. Find out how you can do it the perfect way!

5 Tips to Make the Right Decisions in the Midst of Chaos - By Beth A. Tabak. The quality of decision making skills shrunk drastically in the midst of chaos. We make hundreds of decisions daily. They make or break us. Are we making good ones? Learn how


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