THE GOLDEN RULE
Guide to meeting, dating and courting Russian women

By Dawk Ziti, PhD
Copyright 2005

Do your ex-girlfriend and her cackling pals resemble the witches on Walpurgis Night? Are you tired of having to kiss someone's plump rump all day only to find, to your chagrin, that her bedroom door has a sturdy deadbolt and she sleeps like a lamb? Throw away your handcuffs and listen to one who knows. Actually, I never had those experiences, but I do not let a minor inconvenience such as the truth interfere with my ability to tell a good yarn.

I am a guy who has more women than he can handle, as everybody* who is familiar with Tongue in Cheek, my masterpiece of lampoonery, knows. Therefore, one can easily see that I have to reject an Eastern European babe now and then, as part of my daily routine. After all, I only need 1 wife at a time - I am not a sultan.

* I am referring to people who count. I am not concerned with nonentities who pass their time watching television. Call me an elitist.

Who am I to pontificate on intercontinental relationships? you grumbled. My name is Dawk Ziti, which means that I am a doctor of pasta, and I live in Los Angeles, so no further qualifications are necessary.

You probably wonder what sort of male should seek an Eastern European bride. I could answer that by saying, "All men," but that is too vague, so I will narrow it down to "All heterosexual men," and leave it at that. I love to be precise.

To be specific, because I know that you lack direction, men in the United States (US) should look elsewhere for a wife. Sure, the ladies in the US are friendly, but close and repetitive contact with them leads to downright loathing and a nasty venereal disease. Moreover, a decent guy will come to resent a hand that is perpetually in his pocket. How is the poor fellow to sit down? The situation is awkward at best and perverted at worst, or vice versa.

Another feather in the cap of US women is their infatuation with homosexual men and the virulent subculture with which such males are associated. Eastern European ladies, conversely, are attracted to heterosexual men. You tell me whose values are unhealthy. You had better whisper, though, as US women are sensitive about their foibles. Of course, you may look better with your nose flattened.

The Canucks, a truly happy people, have no complaints about their lot in life. The women north of the US are playful as polar bears, and only slightly less frigid. Unfortunately, they are a little heavier than the aforementioned untamed ursine creature.

I have heard that Aussie women are attractive, but the claim was put forth by the fair sex down under. The men in the outback and in the city think differently and stay single; they also make Elena's Models, the premier website for intercultural matrimony, a very popular destination among the cognoscenti.

On the Internet, one can find thousands of profiles of intelligent and comely Eastern European women. The ads that these ladies place never say, "I am looking for a woman," or "I am looking for a man and a woman," so Western men have reason to rejoice, as well as be suspicious. They also cannot be blamed for regretting how they have spent the past 50 years or so.

The next stage of long-distance dating is to progress from letters to a physical meeting. One slight difficulty exists however, namely, that Eastern European women are not allowed to visit the US, Canada, or Australia. You see, the latitudinarians in those countries, the rightful heirs to the Russian communists of yesteryear, are afraid that Eastern European women will take the good jobs and the great men, so they have passed laws that prevent any competition in either area. Be smart and do not fight fate; instead, visit your pen pal in Eastern Europe, and then, when you fall in love for good, stay there. You will be better off, believe me.

When you actually land in Eastern Europe, remember your manners. For instance, if you are in Kiev, you undoubtedly will be overwhelmed by the myriad of foxes who cross your path. Ogling is okay, but keep moving: you are not in nirvana, only some good bottom land, but the difference, to the naked eye, is inconsequential. 

If you are lucky on your journey to Eastern Europe you will get married, as I just intimated. On your honeymoon be sure to wear a tuxedo to bed, in case you die of a heart attack and need to be buried in a hurry so that no questions are asked. You must always observe the proprieties when you can.

I will let you in on a secret: I was taking tea -- antipasto, to be accurate -- the day before yesterday with a man who owns a granary. He referred to himself as a milliner, but he was either drunk or just plain stupid. I called him a miller, and he proceeded to make an asinine joke about having to haul quinoa up a grain elevator to reach the shredder. He continued in that vein for an hour, giving me enough baloney to make a sandwich. He turned skinflint, though, when I asked him for some rye, which he should have had in abundance. Suffice the matter to say that this type of person does not deserve a Slavic wife.

My quondam friend the grain tycoon and I saw an organ grinder. Both of us instantly recognized that such a musician should not tie the knot with an Eastern European woman for one very simple reason: the classy lady would resent having to play second fiddle to a monkey.

I have deviated from the point of the treatise, but so what? You are not going anywhere, and you have nothing better to do than indulge me. Therefore, park your carcass in a comfortable chair and learn something.

I will leave you with 2 rules of thumb about international amour to placate you. The penultimate bon mot, as it were, is that you must never ask an Eastern European lady if she is a virgin, especially in your introductory letter to her. Simply assume that she is virtuous, unless her profile mentions kids. The second is that you should avoid inquiring, at any time in your electronic relationship, about the slang words, or even the colloquialisms, in her language for the various sexual acts and the particular body parts involved. Your romance will be brought to an abrupt halt, and you will be blackballed in the only countries in the world where women are still amiable and have 2 X-chromosomes. You know the kind of dolls to which I am referring: the ones who are so nimble that your eyes hurt from looking at them, and your brain is dazed for a month. Therefore, take my advice and marry first, and think about compatibility when you wake up. You will forgo the purchase of an engagement ring, which is the paragon of prudence, and your glans will be most appreciative; if you play your cards right, so will hers. After that, you will not need luck, just a good obstetrician.

You want more help? You look like you could use it. Be a gentleman at all times when you are with an Eastern European lady. That statement may be trite, but it also is aphoristic. If you treat your girlfriend with respect, dignity, and courtesy, you will be more successful than if you abuse her, crazy as it sounds to those of you from the US. Common sense should tell you that if she is from Eastern Europe, then she is looking for tenderness, not a wrestling partner.

Do not tell her that you are a Catholic priest who is "looking for a little fun between Mass and confession." Your candor will not go over well, and will cause mass confusion.

Do not sell yourself short. Avoid self-defeating behaviors; I tried to write a white paper on this subject last year, but it came out blank.

By no means should you lie about yourself or your feeble accomplishments. Face up to your shortcomings. Yes, one of the greatest prevaricators of modern history -- all time, for that matter -- Bill Clinton, the 42nd President of the US, was a magnet for women, but all of them, including his wife, were homely or sociopathic. You deserve better, unless you are a liberal.

If you cannot be honest about yourself, then you must feel inadequate and have low self-esteem. I will lend you some of mine, or better yet, keep perusing this credendum and some of it will rub off on you.

The type of woman who I envision for you is the average Eastern European specimen: she will cook your meals and never poison you. Nowadays, that is quite an achievement and something for which to be eternally thankful.

Eastern European women are jugglers: they can pay attention to a husband, a child, and household chores, plus work 40 hours a week in a high-paying job that requires intellectual and personal skills. They do all that with love, efficiency, and gratitude towards you, and with no whining. Can you imagine it?

The last Eastern European woman I knew was a real siren. She was of the ilk of a dancer, but I could not tell whether she was a ballerina or a stripper. I first came across her as I was walking down a street in Minsk. She caught my eye with her graceful movements and the muscle tone of her torso as she sidestepped a snowdrift. Her legs were delicate but firm. She obviously was a first-class performer in her field. One knows instantly when he is in the presence of a true superstar, and I could feel her greatness in my bones; I sensed the years of practice that she had undertaken to reach her level of perfection. She was at the pinnacle of her profession. I followed my heart and approached her. I asked her the big question. She was a clerk at a market, and always had been.

I could go on, but why bother? I will just say that in my next essay, I shall compare and contrast the sex life of plants and humans. I will give you a hint about the first chapter: plants may get knocked up out of wedlock, unless a certain Reverend Ragweed* is around to perform a marriage ceremony, but they never collect welfare. The rest of the article is equally informative and thrilling, so do not miss it.

* A character in my first satiric novel and its sequel. I am not averse to being a shill and plugging my works. Somebody has to do it. 

Unless you are a Philistine, you surely consider this literary effort to be a crown of glory; I certainly do. My only wish is that more Eastern European women had computers so that they could read this story, fall in love with me, and be my groupie. That statement is not tongue in cheek, my friends.

I have every confidence that after you have garnered all the sound counsel that I have proffered herein and implemented it in your personal life, you will receive a Dear John letter from your Eastern European sweetheart. If so, remember, the golden rule is for losers, and revenge is sweet!

(If anybody cares, Dawk Ziti has a doctorate in counseling psychology, but retired immediately upon receiving his diploma to pursue more worthwhile endeavors. He obviously is Italian and single; however, he lives in Los Angeles, unfortunately, so his best chance of finding a wife is via Elena's Models.)

Dawk Ziti, PhD
Copyright 2005

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